TO MUCH FREE TIME

By Ron Dupuis

The other day, after spending about twenty minutes playing games with a telemarketer my wife stated that I had “way too much free time on my hands.”

Before the “Do Not Call” registry, telemarketers had pretty much a free hand as to when, where, and how irritating they were allowed to be. For awhile that changed. Threats of heavy fines curbed these minimum wage hawkers to a point where a family could enjoy an evening meal together without suffering the anxiety of having to decide whether or not to join the “Beef of the Month” club.

All this is beginning to change. The calls are returning at an even more intense frequency.
The incident that prompted my wife’s comments was a call that informed me that I had won four round trip tickets to any destination in the country. Immediately realizing that it was some sort of scam, I decided to have some fun by taking it, with a little humor of course, to the logical conclusion; no tickets for me.

“Mr. Dupuis, you have won four round trip tickets to any destination you choose, to be used at any time you choose.” “Isn’t that wonderful” the obnoxiously perky, high pitched voice suggested?”

“That certainly is” I responded. “As a matter of fact, at this very moment I was planning a get-a-way for a week or so.” “Just don’t send the tickets here”, “send them to my girlfriend’s house.”
I was then informed that it would be necessary for me and my girlfriend to pick up the prize tickets at a time share vacation resort a few hundred miles away. All we had to do, after enjoying a buffet breakfast, is listen to a ninety minute, no pressure presentation as to the joys of owning a time share at their
wonderful, modern resort facility. We would then receive the precious ducats and be on our way to any destination we choose.

Miss high pitched perky voice then inquired if my girlfriend and I, despite “no purchase necessary”, would have any interest in buying a time share.
“No” I responded. “I don’t think my wife would appreciate it.”
A pregnant silence, then a curt “Thank you for your time.”

The line went dead in the middle of “What about my tickets?”
A little research taught me that any time you put your phone number on a receipt or e-mail address for that matter, a company has a right to call you with “No purchase necessary’ offers, despite being on the “No call” list.

The same research produced some other tidbits of information concerning telemarketers.
First; at times your phone will ring and there is no one there. That is a machine recording the time you are home and answering the phone to be used at a later date for a live person to call. The best defense is to repeatedly hit the # key as fast as possible which will confuse the recording machine and throw your number out. If you have the time and strength, the next best defense is to keep the live person on the phone as long as possible. I once told a telemarketer that I was a Federal agent investigating a possible homicide at this location and needed their name and a call record as to how many times they called. I told another male telemarketer that I suspected him of being the man who has been running around with my wife for the last year and if I ever caught him he would pay with his life. I led another persistent person who was trying to sell me “Fruit of the Month for the next decade or so by exclaiming that I was not only allergic to fruit but also eighty seven years old and had just been informed that there weren’t too many months left. You’ll be surprised how quickly the call is terminated and how, over time, you hear less and less from these people.

My wife may be right. Perhaps I do have “way too much free time on my hands.”

Ron Dupuis is a long time New Hampshire resident, a former State Representative, and a freelance writer. His e-mail is drcdupuis@comcast.net. His web site may be viewed at www.imho-nh.blogspot.com.